Why do some people attract us so strongly that they become our partners for a long time? We are discussing this with a Jungian analyst.

The first impulse in any relationship always comes from our unconscious. It seems to scan the unconscious of the other, and if it comes into resonance with it, then an instant reaction of recognition arises: this is my person! Only then are we trying to explain to ourselves what this person attracted us. A special situation is passionate love.

During this period, we are completely captured by unconscious drives, we are experiencing a state of “absolute unconsciousness”, as the great analyst Karl Gustav Jung called it. So our interaction with people obeys certain psychological laws, and when the decision makes the unconscious, we are not free in ourselves.

Why among many people we choose this particular person

Typically, this one who helps us to cope with two tasks becomes this one single. Either reveals certain faces of our “I”, which before meeting with him remained unrealized. Either thanks to communicating with this person, we can keep in the unconscious some part of the ideas about ourselves, which is too frightened by us, too painful. For example, a woman grew up in a family where she was implicitly obeyed her parents, and now it is difficult for her to be independent.

Most likely, she will “choose” either a confident, assertive man with whom she will teach her to be more persistent and tough, or as soft and meek as she herself: it will

help her leave her incompetence in the “shadow”. In both cases, her choice will not be absolutely accidental: most likely, these men have similar unconscious complexes and conflicts, they could have similar relations with parents.

We also choose a partner and rationally (more often this applies to love, not friendly relations), but unconscious and in this case sooner or later will make itself felt. For example, a woman, having weighed all the pros and cons, decides that this man will be an ideal husband for her, that she realizes her ideas about family life.

However, on the eve of the wedding, she can suddenly change her mind, succumbing to a certain (inexplicable) impulse. So, at the last moment, her unconscious, protesting against this marriage, prevails and opens the way to search for another way to choose a partner.

There are several reasons for this. On the one hand, we have similar education, family relationships, level of education, and therefore these people are clear to us. This recognition gives a sense of security: we can predict how our relations will develop, how this person will behave in one or another.

We, as a rule, speak the same language, equally read halftones, the nuances of situations and relationships. But, in addition, this can be explained by the influence of “Super-I”-an internal judge, a controller, thanks to which we behave in accordance with the rules, norms and ideals adopted in our environment.

“All the men I loved were passionate about music.”

Polina, 41 years old, journalist

“Only having passed the course of psychoanalysis, I realized that all the men in whom I was in love were passionate about music. The first of them, with whom we started dating when I was 18 years old, collected discs. The second (we lived with him for six years) played a guitar in a student rock band and dreamed of becoming a professional musician. And finally, my husband, with whom we have been together for ten years, works as a director at the recording studio.

My men did not just love music, they were completely absorbed in it. And I either admired their enthusiasm, then I was offended that they love her much stronger than me. Until that day, until it became clear to me that with their help I was trying to restore what I was missed in childhood: my parents refused to send me to a music school, and I did not learn how to play the piano, unlike my older sister. When I understood this, then, of course, I did not stop loving my husband-it was just that it became clear to me why I was so irrepressibly attracted by men who had at least some attitude towards music. And amazing: it seems that I’m ready to start taking music lessons “.

Why do friends or partners sometimes close each other and do not notice other people

This happens when the unconscious dominates the relationship. There is a so -called confluence set, a state in which partners mutually project their unconscious, forming a single cocoon, and they have a need for communication with others. The main ones in the couple are archaic emotions (fear, anger), the partners constantly change the mood, the attitude to another fluctuates from admiration to disgust. And your own life is felt as uninhabited, a person is confused. And of course, there is no energy, strength to communicate with others.

Why are we sometimes attracted by people who cause us evil

Everyone has qualities that are difficult to recognize in themselves, because they are unacceptable for our personality, ”Jung called this unconscious part of the personality“ shadow ”. And these are not necessarily negative features: hostility, envy, anger. So, for the flexible girl, the “shadow” feature can be the ability to insist on his own, and for a man proud of his brutality, tenderness and vulnerability. Without accepting some part of ourselves, we project these qualities on other people (most often on a partner), and then we perceive them as a source of our problems.

For example, one who cannot admit to himself in his stinginess will blame her partner in her and suffer from this “shortage”. But in fact, exposing others, we allow ourselves not to realize the painful or unpleasant parts of our personality. That is why we do not interrupt relations with such a partner: because thanks to him we are spared the need to see our own shortcomings. Often in order to understand what makes us enter into such a relationship and maintain them, we need to go through psychotherapy. But it also happens that the partners themselves begin the dialogue – it helps everyone to open in themselves and recognize their “shadow” qualities.

How do we gain freedom of choice

Jung was sure that the “problematic” aspects of the personality were the potential for change, self -disclosure, healing. As soon as we dare to courageously look at ourselves, we will take the first step to build our self. In other words, we develop in a clash or in contact with other people, we better understand ourselves, we recognize our features that were previously in the unconscious and “forced” us to choose this particular partner.

And the better we realize ourselves, the more freer we become in the choice of friends or lovers. After all, when we stop running from ourselves, we find that we ourselves are not equal: we have advantages, but there are disadvantages. Having recognized them, we can accept changes in our partners, we begin to see them more voluminous, all their strengths and weaknesses. And this helps us to experience true interest and genuine intimacy with them.